Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
