When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
