Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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