Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
do herpes really smell.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
