Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
