3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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