At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
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i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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