# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
