Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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