She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
