Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He has the fingertips of a God
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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