I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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