Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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