You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
