you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
