Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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