please come you make the beer taste better
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
