Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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