If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
