Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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