one two three fourrrrnication!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
