it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
