Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
