Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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