so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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