Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
