if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
