yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
