my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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