WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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