Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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