brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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