I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
