you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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