party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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