dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
