My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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