Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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