thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
