Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
