My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
