I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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