You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
