her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
