i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
