I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
