My cat gives me a boner
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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