note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
