Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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