If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
