I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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