Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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