3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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