my vag is so smooth its legendary
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
