I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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