Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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