my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
