the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
